We’re attached to age-old notions of love, but the reality is that life itself is a romantic adventure, a love affair that waits for no one. By Amal Awad.
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Awaiting liftoff. (Image: Dreamstime)
Women have long been given the sympathetic head-tilt treatment when it comes to being single. It’s a status, one that is branded onto us like a stamp of social censure.
While being an “older” single woman somehow means you’re destined for a lonely, small-apartment existence surrounded by a dozen cats, men get to be smooth, highly sought-after bachelors who just can’t be pinned down (George Clooney, anyone?).
And yet, the dim light at the end of the singledom tunnel is that we are no longer fated to be sad cat ladies. Apparently, the single-lady paradigm has shifted and we are now headed towards being sad candle buyers.
A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook that candles are apparently the new cats for single women.
We no longer buy cats; we buy candles.
We buy candles not for their pleasant aroma that masks the lonely cat stench in our apartments, but simply to fill the gaping holes in our existence.
I might well have a spotty relationship history, but I’m pretty sure I’ve always liked candles, with or without a man.
This notion of “candle women” got me thinking about all the things we associate with being part of a couple, as opposed to being an individual. The fact is, most of us are never truly alone. We have family, we have friends, we have a job to go to, and we may even simply be dating if we’re not in a committed relationship.
But that romantic attachment seems to be the one thing we determine our lives by. Forget the family and friends, or the hobbies and passions – do you have a man?
More importantly, do you have a man to make you feel [insert your choice of empowered feeling]? Do you have someone to buy you jewellery and other pretty items?
Yawn.
Ladies, being single isn’t a condition, nor is it something you need to fix. You’ll be with someone when you meet a man worth spending time with. Maybe he’ll tick some boxes for you, but know this: you should really be comfortable with who you are, rather than expect a man to make you “happy”.
That is just a one-way ticket to disaster and co-dependency.
Too often, we think relationships will make us, and therefore our lives, better. It’s understandable that you wouldn’t want someone to make you miserable, but is it really up to someone else to make you feel good?
At the risk of generalising too much, women are romantic creatures. But truth be told, romance is much deeper than a passionate embrace.
Life is romantic. Fall in love with it. Enjoy the little things you tend to brush off as the in-between moments, but which are actually the stuff of life.
On that note, I hereby present to you my guide to flying romantically solo:
- Get to know yourself better. Then learn to love yourself. Incidentally, the latter is a whole lot harder to do than the former, and is also an ongoing journey. There will be punch-ups, misunderstandings and forgiveness. But it is also the most significant relationship you will ever have – and I’m not exaggerating. Master yourself and your life will flourish in all aspects.
- Seek passion. If you don’t have things in your life that you are passionate about, this suggests emptiness. Emptiness is bad, because then you look for things (and by that I mean people (and by that I mean boys)), to fill those gaps and … make you happy. You’ve got so much potential within you just waiting to be unleashed. Go crazy with it. You don’t have to be a traditionally creative person to meet the passionate life criteria – there are so many things you can do that will ignite the fire within you and offer you greater meaning and motivation. These aren’t seat-fillers; these are a part of your life. Live it.
- Don’t be afraid to do things alone or with friends just because you think it’s the kind of thing only couples do. I don’t mind eating alone, going to the movies solo, or even going for picnics or an extravagant theatre production with a girlfriend. If your intention is to have fun, just go out and have it.
- Create a space for yourself. Whether you live at home, by yourself or with flatmates, you have a place that is your own. No matter how small or large, it should contain markings of who you are and what you love. How often do you find yourself making note of your surroundings when you visit someone else’s home? How quickly do you find yourself assessing their personality, likes and so on just by how their space looks? Now, take a look at your own space and ask yourself if you truly “own” it. Don’t put your life and your surroundings on hold until you have a marital home. Your life is in motion, so live it.
- Buy candles or jewellery or tickets to the opera without thinking about how much nicer it would be if it all came with a man. These things are enjoyable in good company or even solo. Maybe one day you’ll do them while in a loving relationship. Awesome. But don’t hold off until that happens – enjoy them now.
- It’s perfectly reasonable to want a loving, healthy relationship. But don’t make it the currency of your existence or the marker by which you judge your happiness. By all means, write down your list of criteria (though I’d advise against being too specific), put your intentions out there, and let go. In the meantime, follow steps 1 to 5 above. You’ll be amazed at how much you love your life.
Read Amal’s musings on the Universal couples complex
This article originally appeared in the February 2014 Love issue of Aquila Style magazine. For a superior and interactive reading experience, you can get the entire issue, free of charge, on your iPad or iPhone at the Apple Newsstand, or on your Android tablet or smartphone at Google Play
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